Really, I have resolutions...

For the first time in a long time, I have New Year Resolutions!  Actually, it is a list of things that I will do to stave off depression...  WHICH IS THE SAME THING!

Here is my list, in no particular order:

1. Shower, Daily:  This might not seem like a big deal, but when you are depressed, it is. 
2. Shave:  It makes difference in how you feel if you are clean shaven, I feel.
3. Work out, Daily:  Again, nothing new here.
4. Sleep more:  There are many out there that might look at this and be like, REALLY?!  Yes, really.  For really-really.  I am a chronic under-sleeper.  I usually go on about 4 to 6 hours a night.  Not healthy.
5. Clean:  Yeah, I know.  I already clean a lot.  But it is only surface stuff.  Things get piled about like they do when you have 3 kids and a job and a half.
6. Make lists and DO THEM!:  Check!  No really.  To get stuff done, do lists.  That is is the way of the world.
7. Get caught up with gym paperwork:  Bane of my existence but only because I let it.

There it is.  My get out of depression list.  Wish me luck!

ok, ok

So I was off.  I was actually starting Week 9 and had finished Week 8 prior to the life and death crisis.  I have finally started up again and am on the Week 9, and yet there is another life and death crisis, only this time with my dog.

Stewie has been with us through a lot of things.  Through the death of Charlie, all of our adoptions, through two runs to the hospital on emergency flights, and through one that was a routine but scary operation on our child.  He has so much love for everyone and it seems so unfair that he is reaped so soon.  He is barely 7 and has a hemangiosarcoma on his big heart.

You might think it could be worse, and you are right, it could be.  I will not even tempt fate by making a list, but I will say that this sucks.  I have always hoped that our dogs would pass of old age making the death talk to my children so much easier if they were nearer to double digits.  And I would think that having a long life would make that stage of pain and grief that much further away easier to palate.  What it has done is mellowed me.  I feel a lot when I do feel and I am struggling with the guilt almost the most.  I have not always treated Stewie with as much kindness as he deserves.  He loves so much and it can be hard to handle.  He is impulsive and wrecks so much around him.  But he loves so unabashedly, it shames me.

I am not one to hold on to too much regret.  I am a firm believer that what we have done in our past leads to where we are and a change in that past would not lead us to who we are now.  I do regret treating him so poorly.  My heart aches for you, my friend.  I wish I could change it for you.  And I know you will still love me in my failure, much to my shame.

Week 8 postponed....

So.  2 weeks ago I should have been starting week 8.  I had a kind of a family emergency and have been taken care of a loved one while fighting back the waves of depression.  I think I am going to try and get back on it tomorrow.  I will restart week 8 all over again tomorrow.  At least that is what I am telling myself.

Not to get into too much detail, someone very close to me almost died.  I think that it is fair to say that I should have a couple weeks off.

Week 7 in the bag...

So as I bid farewell to week 7 (which sort of spilled into week 8 due to my laziness) I look back and reflect on the ease of the former 6 weeks.  This week introduced the tabata and the stapper method of training, which sucks, but is effective.  As I look ahead to the hell of week 8, I see that those two are there waiting for me, one at the beginning and one at the end, grinning their fiendish smiles, licking their fiendish teeth at the thought of taking another sweet, sweet bite out of my ass.

In other news, I have continued my quest to increase my running up to where it has been in the past and slowly but surely I have made progress.  I ran a mile in 9 minutes earlier this week and today I ran a 5k on the treadmill.  It took me longer than in the past (but it was under 36 minutes) but I ran the first mile or so non-stop, which is some real progress.

Speaking of progress, I stepped on the dreaded scale this morning, post workout.  I know, I know, I was only going to put myself through that torture every couple of weeks, but I couldn't wait to see if I had made any progress.  289.2 lbs. and that is awesome!  I am down over 7 pounds in the last week so I hope I can keep it up.  I can't wait to start using those newer holes on my belt again!

Off to a much needed shower and to try and spend some snowy at home time with my family...

Uggghhh....

So I complete my legs superset today and then decided I hate myself just enough to run 2 miles followed my a circuit of working on the speed bag and jumping rope for 2 minute intervals.  I had to step outside to cool down as my whole body was sweat and my face was all red.  Generally, if I don't cool my body down, I continue to sweat profusely and needed to go to work.  So I was outside, in 30 degree weather with steam rolling off of me.  It still wasn't enough since after my shower I was still sweating like mad.  I just chose to not wear a coat at all.  That worked out fine.

Breakfast was a muscle milk and Greek yogurt with honey.  Later I had some grapes and I had a slip and binged on some pizza bites.  But it's cool, I followed it with some green machine so, yeah, good to go.  Hopefully I will stay full for a while since lunch is just some fajita veggies with quinoa and a few slices of cheese.

Pray for me, tomorrow is the pull day...

Week 7 and a new twist

On to week 7, which is undulating and I kind of look forward to it.  I am getting excited to work out again but I need some new incentive.  So I decided that I will take my picture and have a before picture to remind myself why I am working.  I plan on taking a picture every 4 weeks as long as I stay sharp.  If I need more incentive I can up how often I take pictures to keep me going.

Well, here it goes...

First pictures-

So here I am at 296.7.  Yes, I know, up from that last weigh in that I had, but I sort of maybe kind of binged on cookies and pizza this weekend.  I felt like I was making a new start on everything at the beginning of the week and sort of let loose.  Back to it now, I guess.

Week 6...in the bag!

I have completed week 6 and I am dreading week 7.  Week 7 things will get a little hairy but I am down with that.  I am so ready to just sweat again that I have added as much as I can after I get that base work out done.  We will look closely at the next 4 weeks and see how that will all work together.

I have decided that I have to take my diet a little more seriously as well as my workout.  I have to take more time for my cardio because I know myself and I know that weight doesn't leave me until I start burning it off with cardio, unfortunately.  Maybe I am impatient but I am ready to get back down to where I was last year at this time (35 lbs lighter).  I have been looking at before and after pictures online of all sorts of people and I get to thinking that maybe I can do that.  I am seriously considering taking a picture of myself now and then again in 3-4 weeks and so on.  Maybe I will start that tomorrow...