...and on to Week 3

I am not really looking forward to the exercises for the next two weeks.  The intensity will be jumping up a little more and I was planning on starting a running regiment this week inbetween my new workouts.  I have also been thinking that I need to incorporate my own martial arts training with my workouts.  I am afraid that if I introduce too much too quickly I will burn myself out early.

I do not want that.

I want to be lighter and faster again.

I want 260 back.  Or lower.  I just need to get serious again.

After 2 weeks....

So, yesterday was actually the beginning of the third week.  I actually finished off the last workout from last week's session last night so I felt it was appropriate to weigh in this morning.

+ 0.2 Lbs

Yes, that's right.  I did fairly well watching what I ate (I have been more aware and keeping track) and exercising more.  And gained weight.  Some people say that it isn't about the scale, it is the overall package.  Well.  This is still one fat package.  I am trying not to be disheartened as I did go for a run the other night, so that is good.  Friday.  What was not so good about Friday is how I had a hard day at work and instead of using my other self destructive tendencies i took it out on a batch of hot wings and pretty much anything else in my path.  Which, having kids that just went trick-or-treating, included a ton of Halloween candy.  This slowly tapered over the weekend.  I think I should have everything back in control now.  After my 1200 cal breakfast.

Don't judge.

BTW

I thought I might wax intellectual on my nutrition lately as well.  I still am struggling with vegetarianism.  Mostly due to my binge eating issues and my love affair with the deadly gas station food demons.  Again, I am weak and decide "oh this little bit of meat ain't no thang" and scarf it down.  As well as drinking pop.  Not diet.  Just regular old pop.  So, now that I have started exercising again, I need to get hold of my nutrition.  Everyday is a little better.

Here goes....

So.  I have fallen off of the workout wagon and rolled in the dust for the last few months.  So much so that my new pants don't fit and I had to go up a size again.  I am so so sad, but not so sad that I didn't eat a ton of chocolate mochi this weekend.

Last week I started the basic program in my Body Weight Exercise Bible and weighed myself for the first time in months.  It was so traumatic that I blanked the exact weight but according to my Wii it was about 295.5 lbs.  I have finished one week of the ten week course and I lost 0.2 lbs.  Hard to feel inspired to continue, however I have found that these exercises seem easy, I have been extremely sore in the aftermath.  I do find I feel like I can move better and I don't feel so fat.

Eating is my next hurdle in my health.  Alcoholics have it easy; they can just not take another drink.  People with eating disorders live in their own private hell.  They have to eat and have to face those pitfalls at every meal.

And in between meals.

And when they are stressed.

And now.

A little I think that Bulimia wouldn't be such a bad idea right now.  I ate waaaaaay too much for breakfast (since I didn't eat at home, my mistake).  But I think if I puked, I wouldn't feel better in the long run.

Anyway.  Here goes...

Here we go

Sleep deprived, but I think I am going the right way again.  I have my little notebook to keep track of my food and I have broken the funk for now.  I had a really good time on Saturday night and it was time for me, sort of.  I still need to work on that....

Ok

I need to stop wallowing in self pity and just get my shit done.  I need to do so many things, but I don't want to do any of them!

So here is a short list of things I WILL be doing:

1)  Start my food log again.  I am always more successful when I am more mindful.  It makes me feel more ... accountable(?) I guess.  I am tired of being fat.  I felt pretty darn good when I weighed the same as I did at 19 and was dangerously getting close to being less than that.

2)  Find Joy in small everyday things.  I am not sure when it happened, but I became a grown up.  I used to view things with child-like wonder and find even the most mundane things extraordinary.  Now I am hardly ever amazed at anything.  I can't seem to find that wonder any more.  I hope it isn't gone forever.

3)  Find time for me.  I was recently told/ became aware of how I get bogged down in the details.  I am always trying to fulfill some obligation, whether for others (usually) or standards that I have set for myself (children of chaos tend to create it in order to feel "right").  I the same vein as #2, I will need to set aside time for me.  Maybe this blog could help?

That is my list so far.  It is short but I think that it is a start....

Oh well....

So it has been while since I posted.  I should call this blog that instead as it seems that is always my opening line.  I have yet to get back into the swing of things and when I was at the doctor's office yesterday I weighed in at 288.  Granted that is with my shoes and clothes on, but still.  I had some things come up in my personal life (no, I am not telling!) so it has been very hard to get motivated.  The less I do, the more sessile I become.  It is very hard to get myself to run at this point.  It is hard to even do anything.  I feel pretty worthless, but that is life I guess....