Let us be honest

I didn't post pictures.  I most likely won't post pictures.  I am not a young single guy and my training is not to look better but to be better.

I have always wondered why I always seemed to fall short and would sabotage myself into not following through.  Not long after my last post I found out that I have a diagnosis of depression.  People who know me, like, really know me, wouldn't think this as some grand revolution.  Same as finding out I am a control freak with a type A personality.  But both of these things were a revolution to me. 

So.  What now.  Now, I do what I can.  I train when I can, as hard as I am able.  I make lists and try and follow them.  I look at it as treatment.  I let others do things and I get myself moving.  It is good for me.

This last week I met a goal of mine that I had been thinking about for a while.  I lifted 10,00 pounds in one day.  I have started running just to run.  And now my body is fighting back against bad foods and not letting me eat them.

I want to see where this will take me.

Back on the wagon....

So I have been back to training the last few weeks.  It has helped that my wife has become motivated.  We kind of help each other eat well and work out.  So far I went from 300 pounds to 281.  I took some pictures this morning to add to the blog to compare with last time.  I hope that they show improvement.

So what have I been doing, you say?  There is the Biggest Loser Challenge on the Wii that we have been using which is nice, but sometimes it can piss a guy off.  That with running 2 to 3 times a week and doing kettlebells in my office throughout the day have paid off with our new diet of healthy eating.  Plus, it helps being broke and not being able to afford gas station foods.

I will post picture later today...

Really, I have resolutions...

For the first time in a long time, I have New Year Resolutions!  Actually, it is a list of things that I will do to stave off depression...  WHICH IS THE SAME THING!

Here is my list, in no particular order:

1. Shower, Daily:  This might not seem like a big deal, but when you are depressed, it is. 
2. Shave:  It makes difference in how you feel if you are clean shaven, I feel.
3. Work out, Daily:  Again, nothing new here.
4. Sleep more:  There are many out there that might look at this and be like, REALLY?!  Yes, really.  For really-really.  I am a chronic under-sleeper.  I usually go on about 4 to 6 hours a night.  Not healthy.
5. Clean:  Yeah, I know.  I already clean a lot.  But it is only surface stuff.  Things get piled about like they do when you have 3 kids and a job and a half.
6. Make lists and DO THEM!:  Check!  No really.  To get stuff done, do lists.  That is is the way of the world.
7. Get caught up with gym paperwork:  Bane of my existence but only because I let it.

There it is.  My get out of depression list.  Wish me luck!

ok, ok

So I was off.  I was actually starting Week 9 and had finished Week 8 prior to the life and death crisis.  I have finally started up again and am on the Week 9, and yet there is another life and death crisis, only this time with my dog.

Stewie has been with us through a lot of things.  Through the death of Charlie, all of our adoptions, through two runs to the hospital on emergency flights, and through one that was a routine but scary operation on our child.  He has so much love for everyone and it seems so unfair that he is reaped so soon.  He is barely 7 and has a hemangiosarcoma on his big heart.

You might think it could be worse, and you are right, it could be.  I will not even tempt fate by making a list, but I will say that this sucks.  I have always hoped that our dogs would pass of old age making the death talk to my children so much easier if they were nearer to double digits.  And I would think that having a long life would make that stage of pain and grief that much further away easier to palate.  What it has done is mellowed me.  I feel a lot when I do feel and I am struggling with the guilt almost the most.  I have not always treated Stewie with as much kindness as he deserves.  He loves so much and it can be hard to handle.  He is impulsive and wrecks so much around him.  But he loves so unabashedly, it shames me.

I am not one to hold on to too much regret.  I am a firm believer that what we have done in our past leads to where we are and a change in that past would not lead us to who we are now.  I do regret treating him so poorly.  My heart aches for you, my friend.  I wish I could change it for you.  And I know you will still love me in my failure, much to my shame.